I think about you so often (sometimes I believe you're still with me)
by mellbell12123
Summary: Bellamy and the gang have landed on the ark and Bellamy believes Clarke to be dead. He leads how she wanted…. with his head. As the years pass and he finds things that belonged to her he can't seem to shake her from his mind. And when he returns to the ground does a part of him believe she'll be there?
1. Chapter 1

**Author's notes** : So writing is the only thing that seems to be helping me survive the hiatus so far…..this will have a part 3 and 4 eventually! Hope you enjoy!

* * *

Bellamy woke with a start. He shot up panting, his heart racing. He took a deep breath running his hand through his hair shakily. He could feel the sweat glistening on his skin and it took him a second to recognize his surroundings before he fell back with a sigh.

It had been 1,004 days in space. And Bellamy felt as if he was slowly losing his mind.

The first day back on the ark had been the worst. It felt so claustrophobic compared to the ground. Though the ring looked big, it wasn't even close to 5% of what the original ark had been before and nowhere close to how _free_ the ground had felt.

After they had gotten the air working everybody had worked for hours to make sure the ark was running efficiently.

Harper and Echo worked on building up the algae farm that Monty said would be able to produce fertilizer, pharmaceuticals, and algal fuel.

Emori and Murphy focused on putting together rooms for everybody to stay in.

Raven went through Medical Station looking for supplies and medicine.

Monty focused his attention on the control room and boosted the electricity to other parts of the ring.

Bellamy was left to make sure everything else was safe and secure. He was doing a walkthrough of the ring when he stumbled across the old earth monitoring control room.

Bellamy froze at the door before slowly making his way in to stand in front of the huge screen.

It was black. But Bellamy knew what it would show.

As he moved closer he bumped into the desk and the screen jumped to life.

And there were pictures of the 100.

There was everyone. Everyone they had lost. Everyone that was holed up in that bunker on earth. The few that were still with them.

There was his baby sister.

Bellamy sunk into the chair and ran his hand across the pad landing on her picture. Her picture filled the screen and his heart dropped. He shook his head aggressively and clicked off her picture. He knew she was alright. He had just talked to her. She was fine. She was in the bunker. She was safe.

He focused his attention back on the screen, his eyes darting through the pictures.

 _There was Clarke_.

He moved over to her picture. It took a minute but with a shaky breath he clicked on her image and it quickly filled the screen. His breath hitched as he took in her face. He couldn't believe how different she looked. How young. How innocent. How not broken. _How alive_.

He dropped his head to his hands with a sigh.

But he was quickly startled when a message came through on a stray radio in the room.

"Bellamy. It's me. I don't know if you can hear me, but if you can…. I hope you left without me. I hope you got to the ark safe. I wish you all the best. I'll miss you. Tell everybody I say goodbye. May we meet again."

Bellamy jumped out of the chair and scrambled for the radio, his fingers slipping on the buttons.

"Clarke?! Clarke?! Are you there? It's Bellamy. Do you read?"

But she didn't respond. She just repeated what she had said before.

It wasn't until a few minutes later that Bellamy realized the message was on a loop. Clarke was already gone. Primfaiya had hit by now. _She was gone_.

It was in that moment that he lost the last bit of hope he had been clinging onto. He drew in a deep breath and steeled himself. Clarke told him to follow his head and not just his heart. He had to accept that. He had to accept that Clarke was gone. That Clarke was _dead_. He had to move on. He had to focus on the mission. _The mission_. Survive on the ark. Return to the ground. Find the bunker. And live once again.

The days passed. The months passed. The years passed.

The ark was running smoothly and everybody was doing as well as they could.

Everybody had heard Clarke's message though it was Bellamy who kept going back alone once a day to listen to that message over and over and over again.

Bellamy explored the base to pass time. He found remnants of skaikru's time there. Clothes, old notebooks, little trinkets, jewelry, toys.

And then one day he found _something_.

Raven had taken everything important from medical station. Everything else she deemed not needed. But little did she know that there was something in there that Bellamy _did need_.

One day Bellamy was looking through the medical bay when he saw a door in the back. His hand froze on the knob as he read the name on the door.

 _Dr. Abigail Griffin_.

His heart dropped. And he pushed the door open slowly.

He flicked on the light and the room lit up. Papers were scattered on the floor. Medical equipment toppled over on the floor. Photos sat on the desk. He reached over and picked one up. It was a picture of young Clarke. He ran his finger across her face before gently placing it back down.

He sat at Abby's desk the chair squeaking under his weight. His hands wandered and he opened drawers finding various medicals tools. Until he reached the bottom drawer. When he pulled it open he found drawings.

Dozens of drawings.

Flipping through he saw many familiar faces. Abby, Jaha, Wells, some guards he used to work with. He froze.

Was that him?

He dropped the rest of the drawings to the ground as he brought that particular one closer to his face.

 _It was him_.

It was a profile of the top part of his body. He was wearing an officer's uniform. His was hair slicked back. His mouth was curled up in a gentle smirk.

Bellamy gripped the drawing tight in his hand before taking off out of the room and never returning.

The days continued to pass. And it didn't get any better. Bellamy felt as if he was frozen in time.

He would habitually visit the earth control room and stare at the faces of the 100 each day. Not for hope of their survival. But for memories of a better time.

He pushed through his pain and led everyone like Clarke wanted, even though his heart was screaming to go back to the ground.

He carried around her drawing in his pocket. He hadn't looked at it since the day he found it, but he'd catch his hand wondering to his pocket when he was feeling particularly broken. Though he would always snatch it back before giving in.

When faced with a particularly hard decision he would find himself looking to his right, _for Clarke_. But she was never there. He was alone. Alone to make the decision for himself, like Clarke believed he could.

Everyone was worried about him. He didn't seem the same. He seemed hard. _Emotionless_. He seemed to be going through the motions of living, without truly _living_.

The years ticked by and then it was time to go back to the ground.

It took a few months over the 5-year limit, but they made it to the ground. Everything was wasted. There wasn't any green anywhere. It was all brown dead dust.

They settled on an area and began to make it their own. Emori and Murphy built small huts. Raven and Monty set up communication and technology they brought from the ark. Harper and Echo tried to hunt, but quickly gave up when they found no animals and focused on planting vegetation. And Bellamy led. _With his head_.

There was no sign of life anywhere.

Raven swore that she had landed them close to where their original settlement had been. But nothing looked familiar. It was a complete wasteland. Even if they were near where they had been, it would be almost impossible to find their way back.

The months went on. The huts were built. The garden was flourishing. And they couldn't be happier to be back on the ground.

As happy as they could be.

After they set up their little settlement, they spent the majority of their time trying to find the bunker and Becca's lab.

But they had no luck.

One day, a year and a half after landing, Bellamy was sitting silently in his hut when something inside of him snapped. He stood up abruptly and stalked out into their campsite.

Raven's head shot up.

"I'm going to look around." Bellamy said.

"Someone should go with you." Murphy nodded standing up.

But Bellamy shook his head, "No. I have to do this alone."

And he took off into the woods. He wasn't sure how long he wondered but it must have been hours.

He let out a scream of frustration and sunk down onto a log with a thud.

He rubbed his eyes aggressively and took a deep breath before raising his head.

There was just the tiniest bit of green peeking through the brown.

Bellamy's eyes widened and he stood up pushing past some dead brush was met with green.

 _Lots of green_.

A twig snapped to his right and he took a defensive stance as he turned to face his aggressor.

" _Clarke_?


	2. Chapter 2

**Author's notes** : I hope this lives up to the first part! This will have two more parts eventually! Hope you enjoy!

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" _Clarke_?"

Bellamy took a hesitant step forward not believing his eyes. Was she really here? Had she really survived all these years? _Alone_?

He took a deep breath and ran a shaky hand through his hair. He had left her down here alone. He had given up hope that she was alive. He hadn't even tried to look for her. _He could have found her months ago_.

His heart dropped and he took in a deep breath trying to steady himself all while not being able to pull his gaze away from her.

Clarke stood frozen, the shotgun in her hands aimed at him, her body tense and defensive. He could see the thoughts racing through her head as she tried to put together what was happening.

Bellamy took another step forward and Clarke's arms began to shake.

One more step brought him within touching distance and her arms dropped, the gun falling to the ground with a thud. Her face was drawn with hope and bewilderment.

She looked older. More worn. _But still beautiful_.

Before he could think of his next move, Clarke rushed forward slamming into him, her arms wrapping tight around his neck.

Bellamy's arms raised quickly wrapping around her back. With a breath of relief he pulled her impossibly tight against him. He could feel her warm breath on his neck as she let out a shaky sigh.

" _Are you real_?" Her voice cracked.

He let out a shaky breath not believing that she was here, in his arms, "Yeah. Yeah Clarke, I'm real."

Clarke pulled back slightly her eyes racing over his features, before smiling and threading her fingers through his hair and pulling his face towards hers.

When their lips met, Bellamy saw stars; he quickly leaned into her and deepened the kiss. As their lips moved against each other's, all Bellamy could think of was _finally._

Clarke pulled away with a gasp and Bellamy trailed kisses down her neck. Clarke moaned, running her hand along the nape of his neck.

She took a deep breath, "I thought _you_ were dead. I radioed you every day for _6 years_. But you never replied. You were supposed to be back last year. Why weren't you?"

Bellamy pulled back, his eyes dark, "I thought you were dead Clarke _. I thought you were dead_." His voice cracked. His hand brushed a stray hair behind her ear and his fingers danced across her cheek for a second longer than needed.

"I got your first message."

Her eyes lit up, "You did?"

He smiled down at her, "Yeah. We couldn't figure out how to get our end working. Your message-" He cleared his throat, "it got me through the past few years. And we did land last year. We couldn't find any survivors. We looked everywhere."

She smirked, "Clearly not everywhere."

Bellamy and Clarke sat talking for the next few hours. Bellamy kept a hold of her hand, needing to be reminded that she was actually there. Clarke's thumb brushed across the back of his hand in reassurance, not knowing if it was for herself or for him.

Bellamy told her about their time on the ark. How lonely it had been. How weird it was being back up in space. How all he could think about was everyone on the ground.

Clarke spoke of how sick she had been for weeks after Primfaiya. How she had thought she was going to die alone. How she had been alone for a year before finding another nightblood. How that little girl became her life and her child. How she had told her all about him and the others, raising her to be strong but happy unlike they had been.

Before they realized, it was pitch black outside.

"Is Madi going to be worried?"

Clarke shook her head. "I'm usually gone for a few days. She's used to it. What about Raven and everyone else?"

Bellamy looked out into the darkness, "They'll be worried but I'll get back tomorrow. Will you come with me?"

Clarke smiled, "Do you even have to ask?"

The hours passed and the world around them was silent, Bellamy and Clarke's conversation dwindled off and they were content just to sit there in silence with each other. Clarke began nodding off against him and Bellamy took off his jacket wrapping it around her.

She snuggled into it with a sigh and fell asleep against him. Bellamy quickly followed after.

The next morning came and Bellamy and Clarke were on the move. Clarke still had Bellamy's jacket wrapped around her shoulders. As the winds of the day grew cooler, Clarke shoved her hands into the pockets.

When her fingers hit something she grabbed it and pulled it out gently.

Her brows furrowed as she unraveled the folded up paper letting out a small gasp when she was met with one of her own drawings. A drawing of Bellamy.

"I don't remember drawing this." She said out loud.

Bellamy, who was a few steps ahead of her, flipped around in shock looking down at the paper he had shoved in his jacket all those years ago.

"I….um…." He coughed.

"Where did you get this?"

"Your mother's office on the ark."

"You've kept it all these years?"

Bellamy smiled, "Yeah I did."

Clarke dropped her gaze back to the drawing, her finger tracing across his face.

She looked back up with a smile and reached out hand through his hair and twirling her finger around one of his black curls, "You look different now. I'm going to have to redraw you."

Clarke and Bellamy arrived back at Bellamy's camp the mid day. They were met with startled shouts and cries of joy. After everybody was hugged out they sat down and Clarke caught them up.

Bellamy sat right next to her his arm resting around her back. He saw Raven and Monty's eyes dart to his arm, but they didn't say a word.

A few hours later, Clarke stood with a groan, "Well I need to be getting back."

"What?" Bellamy snapped.

Clarke's eyes widened briefly, "I need to go. Madi will be waiting."

He took a step forward grabbing her arm, "No. We just got you back. _I just got you back_. You're not leaving."

Clarke's eyes narrowed, "You're not in charge of me Bellamy. I don't need my hand held. I've been alone for 6 years. I've been raising a child for 5. I know what I'm doing."

"Then let one of us come with you. Let _me_ come with you." He pleaded.

"Bellamy. Let me go." She gritted pulling her arm out of his grasp.

Raven tried to step in, reaching out to touch Bellamy's arm but he jerked away keeping his attention on Clarke.

"If you won't let one of us come then you're not leaving Clarke. I'm not letting you. And that's final."

"Why? Why can't I leave! Why wont you let me go?"

"Because!"

" _Because why_?!"

"Because I love you!"

Clarke stepped back with a light gasp and silence reigned.

" _I love you_. Please don't leave. I need you. I tried my best to do what you said. To lead with my head, but I could never do it. I only knew how to use my heart. But I couldn't even use my heart. _Because you weren't there_. You're my heart. I can't live without you. Please."

Clarke stepped forward, raising her arm and brushing her hand across his face, "Bellamy, you have me. _Forever_. I'm not going anywhere alright? _I promise_ I'm not going anywhere. You know why?"

His head shook slightly.

"Because I love you too."


End file.
